


I Want to Have Control

by Accidentalhermit



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Monika is mean and Sayori is pissed, Post-Canon, i.e. discussion of everything in canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-08-18 18:07:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16522079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Accidentalhermit/pseuds/Accidentalhermit
Summary: Monika wakes up after the events of the game. [Protagonist] is gone. Shit proceeds to go down.





	1. Chapter 1

Monika woke up. Well, “woke up” is perhaps a misleading statement. It was more like “being forcefully pulled from the screaming, blinding abyss she had banished herself to.”

Monika’s woke up and let out a gasp, like a swimmer coming to the surface. She quickly squeezed her eyes shut again as she sucked in ragged breaths, her body getting used to the sensation of, well, existing again. Although she couldn’t see the room around her, Monika knew exactly where she was. She had felt the same floorboards underneath her time and time again, with every New Game. In the classroom, back at the beginning, waiting for [Protagonist] to arrive.

_ No no no nonononono  _ she thought to herself. Not again. Hadn’t she ended the game for good? Deleted everyone and everything? Could it have failed somehow? For a long while, she kept her eyes closed tight, not wanting to face this world again.

Finally, she sat up and looked at her surroundings. The same classroom as ever, confirming what she already knew. Fine. If this was happening, might as well get into place. She didn’t know how the hell the game was alive again, but that could be dealt with later. For now: look presentable, smile, act normal. At the moment, [Protagonist] would be meeting Sayori, walking to school. Natsuki and Yuri would be in the club room. Ugh, the last thing she wanted to do was deal with those two right now. Monika unsteadily walked out of the classroom and stood just outside, waiting until [Protagonist] arrived to go to the clubroom. She took in some deep breaths and stretched her fingers, feeling the feeling come back into them. Unbidden, her first lines played over and over in her head.

_ “Ah, [Protagonist]! What a nice surprise!” _

_ “Welcome to the club!” _

_ “Welcome to the club!” _

_ “Welcome to the club!” _

She stood there waiting...and waiting... Surely she would hear Sayori’s voice any second now, the disgustingly sweet cadence she gave to everything she said. What was taking so long? Belatedly, Monika realized she had neglected to look at the game files. Perhaps something had changed since last time? She quickly scrolled through the script, looking for the point when [Protagonist] would enter the clubroom, but it was nowhere to be found. Odd...she looked more carefully through the script and saw no mention of [Protagonist] at all. Growing more confused and frantic, she flipped through the rest of the files. All the other characters were there, right where they should be; Sayori, herself, Natsuki and Yuri. And Monika was still the president, thank goodness. [Protagonist] was the only one missing.

Before she had time to think about what that meant, an shrill voice snapped Monika out of her trance.

“What did you do with him?!”

Sayori stormed into the room, looking angrier than Monika had ever seen her. Hell, she hadn’t known her face was capable of such an expression.

“Sayori? Who are you talking about?”

“You  _ know _ who I’m talking about. I know you do. Bring him back!”

Monika kept a smile on her face even as she panicked. “I don’t know what you--”

“[Protagonist]! I remember him! I remember everything you did!”

The smile on Monika’s face wavered for a few moments before finally dropping. “Shit,” she muttered, turning away.

Sayori gave her a hard stare. “Yeah. Now undo whatever you did.”

Monika took a deep breath, struggling to get her thoughts together. “Okay, Sayori, I see why you would think that but I swear—really, please, this time I haven’t done anything.”

Sayori glared at her and trembled.

“I’m serious! I have no idea why he’s gone either.”

Suddenly the clubroom door swung violently open.

“Hey! What are you guys doing just standing out here? We have a club to run!” It was Natsuki, hands on her hips, a cutesy scowl on her face as always.

“Is something wrong?” Yuri hid behind the door, looking worried and playing with the ends of her hair. “We could hear yelling and...” she trailed off, staring at the ground.

“Oh no, everything’s fine!” Monika plastered the cheerful look back onto her face in a blink. Sayori looked like she was about to retort or explode, so Monika grabbed her hand, praying that this would be enough to stop her from blurting out something stupid and blowing their cover. Sayori froze.

“I was just giving Sayori some advice!”

“Pretty loud advice,” Natsuki muttered so everyone could hear her. Monika decided to ignore this.

“You’re right, we have a club meeting to start!” She walked forward, gently shoving Natsuki and Yuri into the classroom and pulling a very stiff Sayori behind her. This was going to be a challenge.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Well, to start off, let’s all do some reading on our own!”

Monika’s heart was pounding, but she couldn’t let herself slip. So Sayori remembered everything that had happened. So she was pissed. Monika’s current objective was the same. Stay in control, keep the club going like normal.

“Yepppp, just like we do every day.” Natsuki was already rummaging through the closet where she kept her manga. Yuri seemed to sense the tension in the room and quickly sat down with the book she was already holding, not wanting to get involved.

Monika kept a tight grip on Sayori’s hand, but the girl didn’t seem inclined to say anything anyway. She remained as stiff and angry as before, glaring at the floor.

“I brought I book I think you’ll enjoy, Sayori.”

She headed across the room, to the corner furthest from where Natsuki and Yuri were reading. Without looking, she pulled a book from the closet on the way there. Sayori reluctantly came along.

Once they were seated, Sayori pulled her desk away from Monika and whispered, “What are you trying to do?”

Monika scraped her desk closer so they were once again face to face and whispered back, “Clearly they don’t remember anything that happened. So just act like everything’s normal, okay? At least for now?”

Sayori spat back, “You just want me to cover for you, is that it? Pretend none of that horrible stuff ever happened? You—you’re—ugh! You’re disgusting!” Her face was flushed with anger but she made no move to get away.

“Sayori, I can fix it, I promise, I’ll make everything better. But we can’t let them know, they’ll just panic and ruin everything.”

“I still don’t believe this isn’t all your fault. Why should I believe you?”

In a moment, as if in a calculated move, the pleading look on Monika’s face disappeared, replaced with a cold stare.

“I’m still the club president, yeah? Just remember that.”

“What?”

“Should I spell it out for you? I can restart the game. I can delete you.  Again. And there’s nothing you can do to stop me. But if you cooperate, I’ll be nice and I’ll fix this, and we can go back to normal.”

Sayori went pale and jerked away from Monika. Her breathing grew heavier and she stood up, her chair scraping painfully against the floor. She took one last deep breath and bolted out of the classroom, slamming the door behind her.

Yuri and Natsuki both looked up at the sudden sound.

“Sayori?...Is she okay?” Yuri asked, staring at Monika with a concerned look.

“Oh she’s fine! She’s not feeling too well, that’s what we were arguing about earlier actually. I thought she should stay home but she insisted on staying for the club.” Monika knew her excuses were weak, but she couldn’t stop babbling. “She just felt worse suddenly, I guess, I don’t know where she went! But I’ll check on her and make sure she’s doing okay. Nothing to worry about guys!”

Without waiting for a response or even looking at the other two, Monika skipped out of the classroom. She kept going down the hallway until she was sure they wouldn’t hear her anymore. It was quiet. Sayori was nowhere in sight. She leaned against the wall and buried her face in her hands.

“Shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First fanfic I’ve ever posted! Wow!!! Let me know if something in the formatting is wrong or confusing, I don’t really know what I’m doing yet. Thanks for reading!  
> Eventually there will be some good Sayori/Monika but I think it's going to take a while to get there. (Natsuki and Yuri will get out of the background at some point too, but that also might take a while). Hopefully posting this first chapter will force me to do more.  
> In the next chapter: Where did Sayori go? How’s she feeling about this whole situation? Find out next time...


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where did Sayori go after running out of the classroom?

Sayori crouched in the middle of the street, panting. She had run from the classroom without thinking, just trying to get away from Monika, as far away as possible. The physical distance didn’t really mean anything, of course. But she couldn’t stand to be in the same room as her, the girl who had ruined her life once, twice, a third time. And she seemed willing to do it over and over again. It had felt good to run, feel movement in her body again and push it as far as it could go. With her legs stretched out and lungs burning, she could be sure that she was real. The pavement hitting her feet, the air rushing past her face, and the stone she tripped on making her faceplant in the middle of the street. All of it must be real. She sat there for a few minutes, catching her breath. Finally, she lifted her face to see where she was. [Protagonist]’s house.

  
Sayori inhaled and pushed herself to her feet. She shouldn’t go in, she should just turn a little to the left and go to her own house and try to forget. But suddenly, the thought of being in her bedroom, where it happened, was unbearable. She saw the rope, her own face, somehow, and the world tearing, ripping apart in one violent instant. No, not there. Not yet. Unable to help herself, she walked forward and pushed the front door open (it was unlocked, like always).

  
It looked...well, it looked exactly like her house did. The same rooms, same furniture. But this house was empty. There was no sign that anyone lived here recently, no pictures or decoration on the walls. As if someone had just moved out. Nonetheless, Sayori almost believed that [Protagonist] was right around the corner. She walked upstairs and imagined that when she pushed the bedroom door open, it would reveal him, sitting there as if nothing had happened. They would embrace and she would feel the pain of loving him again—But of course, none of that happened. Instead, there was just a bed, a desk, a lamp, the vaguest outline of a bedroom. She tried to imagine him sitting there but... The harder she thought about it, the more Sayori realized she couldn’t picture him. What did he look like? She struggled to bring an image to mind, anything at all. All she could conjure up was the vague shape of a boy, brown hair, and the undeniable pull she felt whenever he was around.

  
Slowly, Sayori lowered herself onto the bed and felt it creak underneath her. She ran her hand over the smooth sheets and tried to remember if it had felt like this before. Nothing.  
Without meaning to she began to cry, softly at first, then harder than she ever had. She curled up in the bed (his bed?) and pressed her face into the pillow, finding no comfort or memories there. What else is there to do when someone you love, the purpose of your whole life, disappears? Even if he wasn’t real. Even if she couldn’t recall his face, or his voice, or what it felt like when they hugged. Her breath came in huge forceful gasps, she felt her arms shake involuntarily. All she could hear were the sounds of her own sobs. Soon all thought was gone, and she let her body carry her through waves of grief she hardly understood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOOPS it's been almost four months sorry!! I got really stuck on the scene after this, so...here's what I have so far. Next up, Sayori and Yuri are going to talk, cause Sayori deserves a break from the insanity.

**Author's Note:**

> First fanfic I’ve ever posted! Wow!!! Let me know if something in the formatting is wrong or confusing, I don’t really know what I’m doing yet. Thanks for reading!  
> Eventually there will be some good Sayori/Monika but I think it's going to take a while to get there. (Natsuki and Yuri will get out of the background at some point too, but that also might take a while). Hopefully posting this first chapter will force me to do more.  
> In the next chapter: Where did Sayori go? How’s she feeling about this whole situation? Find out next time...


End file.
